


Lost Without

by hovercraft



Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Gilgamesh (Fate) Being an Asshole, Heartbreak, M/M, Reunions, additional Lancelot/Arthur, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:40:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29165088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hovercraft/pseuds/hovercraft
Summary: Arthur tried to lie to himself. When Gilgamesh broke up with him, and so cruelly, he thought he'd move on. Something was broken within him, though. Humans only partner for life through words, but he thought he might be that way for real.(Commission for Basykail)
Relationships: Gilgamesh | Archer/Arthur Pendragon | Saber
Comments: 3
Kudos: 16





	Lost Without

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Basykail](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Basykail/gifts).



Arthur thought he found true love with Gilgamesh.

The infatuation that founded itself in their late teen years was unlike any other. Arthur could write songs about how much he loved the man, how much he loved him for accepting him and all he was, for the praise he would croon and demand at the same time. He was high maintenance for sure, but it didn’t bother Arthur. Sure, they argued, but nothing ever broke them apart.

There were long date nights, songs sung and dances danced, people were in awe of their love and people understood what it meant to Arthur to have him. He was the type to propose out of High School, though he didn’t quite end up doing that.

Rather, it was a steady wedge that drove them to different places, different people.

When Gilgamesh met Enkidu, Arthur had a sinking feeling it was over.

Their fast friendship quickly turned into infatuation, and Gilgamesh grew a taste for traveling the world— with them, not Arthur. The first vacation, Arthur wished him the best. The second, Arthur saw them holding hands on an Instagram story, and was heartbroken. The moment he got the text that night, he knew what it was about.

 **Arthur** : _You won’t even break up with me in person?_

 **Gilgamesh** : _Arthur, don’t make this more than it is. For what it’s worth, you were truly helpful in discovering myself. Goodbye._

Arthur’s heart hardened like ice and shattered. He blocked him on his phone, which Gilgamesh would later call ‘immature’ on one of his social media websites, and Arthur would have to go and move on.

—

He didn’t think he would love again until he met a subdued gentleman of a professor.

Arthur met Lancelot while taking one of his classes in his last year of College. He was educated, insightful, and Arthur hung onto every word that he said. Of course, he would never risk the man’s job, so when it came to graduation, Arthur marched up to the man and shook his hand, thanking him for all the help he gave him…

And asked him to dinner.

Lancelot seemed flustered, a young student just— asking him? Certainly, he knew he was recently divorced and that was never a good look? Their age difference wasn’t too steep, but Lancelot still had reservations. Arthur was young, but he was the brightest of the bunch in his class. He was always kind to him, always did his best on his work… and Lancelot had to admit, Arthur was handsome. In what he hoped wouldn’t be a mistake, he accepted Arthur’s request.

—

“It’s interesting you don’t have a partner your own age,” Lancelot chuckled, tipping the bottle of wine into Arthur’s glass at the fancy restaurant the two of them found themselves at. Arthur, now stripped of his graduation gown, was in the prim suit underneath. Lancelot passed gazes over him with silent approval. This young gentleman could surely break as many hearts as he wanted— what was he doing going for a professor?

“I had one, once.”

“They never last, do they?”

Arthur thought back to Gilgamesh, how he always challenged him, how it never got on his nerves, how he still carried a torch despite his cruelty. Part of asking out Lancelot was to bury his past firmly where it belonged. Gilgamesh was probably summering in somewhere beautiful with Enkidu right about now, so it was no use talking about it.

“They never do.”

“So why me?”

“Because… I was always so drawn in by your voice. By your wisdom, your charisma. I haven’t felt that way in a long time about anyone.”

“You sure know how to flatter someone,” Lancelot chuckled. “But why don’t we talk about you? What are you doing out of school?”

Arthur’s throat went dry for a second. “I’d like to teach here.”

“Really? That might be hard… but I would put in a good word for you, for sure. At least as a teaching assistant, for as long as you can—”

“I think I’d just like to be close to you, I mean.” Arthur blurted out, immediately embarrassed at the words as they came out of his mouth.

Lancelot looked at him gently before laughing. “You can do that without working at the school, you know. There’s a lot of job opportunities in San Diego.”

“I know… and my historian’s degree can get me into a lot of places. Maybe a museum? There’s no shortage— I mean,” Arthur cleared his throat. “I really appreciate you coming with me tonight. I really do… think fondly of you.”

This student… could be so charming, so sweet and so sincere. Now that he was no longer a student, nothing could stand in the way of their relationship. Lancelot had no misgivings about dating him— Arthur was so willing that he might as well be throwing himself at him, and yet, that was what made Lancelot doubt him just a bit more.

“You were really in love, weren’t you?”

“Huh? What’s this all of a sudden…?” Arthur asked, nervous.

“You’ve got heartbreak all over your face. Don’t worry, though,” Lancelot said quietly, taking a sip of his own wine. “I’ve got it all over mine, too.”

“Who—?”

“Her name was Guinevere. Ran off with another man. Sometimes, I wonder if it was karma from another life,” Lancelot said, laughing sadly. “But I don’t have any misgivings about two people trying to mend the past by talking to each other about it.”

“… you’re really kind, professor.”

“It’s Lancelot, now.”

Arthur smiled warmly and clinked his glass to his. “To new beginnings?”

“Of course.”

—

Dating Lancelot was like having a caring partner always looking out for your wellbeing, but Arthur had a hard time figuring out if he was really in love with him. He was infatuated with him, certainly, but he couldn’t help but wonder if part of that was to try and mend himself.

Lancelot always made him tea in the morning, he flipped open the newspaper and asked him about his day. Arthur was taking a new job in an art museum and he was giving tours daily. Sometimes, he’d get overwhelmed with questions because he had a history degree, not an art degree— but he’d always manage in the end. It was a happy life, simpler and warm, and Arthur enjoyed it.

He and Lancelot went on long walks with their dogs, spent long nights tangled up in one another, cared for each other, yet Arthur still felt like he was a bandage for Guinevere as well. Were they using each other, trying to fix up their past relationships? It wouldn’t be fair or right to do that, but— Arthur had no way to answer that. They were trying their best with what they had, and it would be a long time before things felt ‘normal’, even if ‘normal’ for Arthur should have been ages ago, when he got that text message.

Gilgamesh had been cruel. There was no denying that, but he invaded Arthur’s thoughts with everything they experienced together. A song would come on the radio and Arthur would have to change it. A video game played together as kids suddenly became painful to pick up again. There were lots of little things like that that made forgetting Gilgamesh all the harder, but looking into Lancelot’s eyes, he saw nothing familiar of Gilgamesh’s, and that helped.

But, it also hurt, because Arthur was terrible at lying to himself. Humans didn’t mate for life, typically, they just promised they would, but Arthur might’ve been an outlier and truly felt that way about Gilgamesh. He saw a therapist, he did his best to mend things within his mind, but some things couldn’t be fixed, like a clock that ticked too fast. Arthur’s memories were all wrapped up in Gilgamesh, and as much as he loathed to admit it, he was making less progress than he thought he should.

Lancelot talked to Arthur about it frequently, no secrets between them in the slightest. He was like a mentor to Arthur, one he also apparently slept with, and that probably wasn’t healthy, but what could Arthur do about it? He wasn’t about to give the second best thing (ugh) that had ever happened to him in his entire life. As years went by, their relationship grew close, and by the end of the third year together, Lancelot was talking about marriage.

Only Arthur was squirrely about it. ‘Not yet’ ‘Maybe a little while longer’ ‘Maybe someday’.

And they both knew why. Arthur was still holding out for Gilgamesh in some way, even if he never dared look at his Facebook page or see what he was doing. He had a complete aversion to finding out anything about him, scared of what he might find, pictures of a honeymoon or something similar, but if Arthur had actually looked, he’d have found a very different story.

Nevertheless, he didn’t look.

A few old friends messaged him a few times, asking him to reach out to Gilgamesh, but Arthur never did. They said he was going through a rough time of it, and Arthur thought, _well, what about my rough time of it_? The years of pining and being unable to get over a childhood crush were brutal, especially on the verge of getting married to someone else. He wanted to bury those feelings so deeply that he might never feel them again, but life had other plans for him.

—

One evening, who should he see but Gilgamesh, outside his house, soaked to the bone in the rain.

“Oh no,” Arthur said, furiously. “No, no, haven’t you ruined my life enough? What on Earth could make you track me down like this?”

“I have nothing.”

There was no bravado in his voice, none of the charisma, brave and strong, that he had known Gilgamesh for. There was sorrow, grief that replaced it. It was as if he wasn’t even sure what he was doing here, in front of Arthur’s home. Chasing an old line of love as far as it would go, seeking a friend.

“What about Enkidu?” Arthur crossed his arms, fully expecting to hear of another breakup by phone.

“They’re dead.”

“…?” Arthur felt his defenses break just ever so slightly.

“And do you know what they said to me before they died?” Gilgamesh lifted his head, rain trickling down his face. “‘Make up with Arthur. Tell him how you really feel, because I know a past heartbreak when I see it. You were just too prideful to say you wanted us both instead of choosing one over the other.’ That was their parting words to me, as well as letting me know they loved me…”

“Gilgamesh, I feel bad for you. I truly do. But I have a new life now…” Arthur held up his hands, as if in defense. “I have someone I love.”

Gilgamesh walked over to him, wet and broken and seizing his arms. “I broke you. I know I did. And how selfish to think that I could mend you? You poured all of your love into me, and I was too selfish. Too infatuated.” There was a laugh, though it was one of broken pride than anything else. “and now, crawling back to you, I must look like a snake. Ready to bite your ankles the moment you try and step too far away from me.”

There was an unyielding pity in Arthur’s heart for this man, who had been so different, once, but he was asking him something that was impossible. He was asking for his forgiveness. Arthur could part with it, but he knew Gilgamesh wanted more.

“Did you think I would just accept you back into my arms?” Arthur’s voice started to break. “That my love was unconditional? Even if you hurt me?”

Gilgamesh said nothing.

Arthur wrapped his arms around him.

“I missed you…!” He cried, tears now indistinguishable from the rain. “I missed you and I needed you and I wasn’t even good enough to be told in person that I wasn’t wanted anymore! Give me one good reason to forgive you!”

“There is none,” Gilgamesh said quietly. “Everything you’re saying is true. But…”

He looked up at Arthur, red eyes meeting green ones.

“You still feel it, don’t you? Since we were kids. We have always been— together, even when apart. Your idioms, your phrases, your words, all of them worked into my vocabulary and part of me as much as mine are part of you. We’re inseparable, even apart from each other. I knew it then when I sent that text message and tried to be as cruel as possible so that it would feel permanent, but every time I saw something that reminded me of you, I only cut myself deeper in my chest. It was like a chasm where I had cut you out.”

Arthur said nothing, Gilgamesh continued.

“And Enkidu wasn’t thrilled with me either, breaking up with you just to be with them. We had quite a fight about it. Said that stabbing people who loved you in the back was a sure way to end up all alone, and… here I am. Alone.”

“He’s going to ask to marry me,” Arthur said weakly.

“Who?”

“My new boyfriend.”

Gilgamesh barely lifted his head, but he did look Arthur in the eyes once more.

“Please, forgive me.”

“Can I? Can I really do that?”

“You shouldn’t, by all means. But I still have to ask.”

Arthur paused… sighing deeply and speaking. "I have always loved you, Gilgamesh. Even when you hurt me. My boyfriend could see it on my face on our first date, that I was still pining for someone else, but I … don’t know if I can forgive you. That’s a long time to love someone who doesn’t love you back.”

“I never stopped—” Gilgamesh’s tone grew serious.

“No. You just loved someone else more.” Arthur said bitterly.

Gilgamesh neither confirmed nor denied it, but walked with Arthur as he approached his house. “Would you give me another chance?”

Arthur looked at him, incredulously. “What for? To break my heart again? To leave a perfectly loving relationship to run into your arms?”

“Do you still feel for me?”

“I—”

“If you still love me, you should—”

“It doesn’t matter!” Arthur shouted, loud enough for his neighbors to hear. “Even if I loved you more than I loved myself, showing up on my doorstep years after you broke my heart is no way to treat someone you love!”

“…”

“…”

Silence passed between them. Arthur walked back towards Gilgamesh. He was unsure, unsure if he wanted to trust him again but he couldn’t stand to see Gilgamesh so broken. Not with his pride so powerful and his charisma so strong.

“Would you hurt me again?”

Gilgamesh lifted his head.

“If you met another ‘Enkidu’ out there in the world, would you abandon me again if they enchanted you for long enough?” Arthur asked-- sadness in his voice.

“No. I know what it’s like to lose you once. I can’t do it again.”

“You can’t repair what you did to me, ever,” Arthur said solemnly, but he took Gilgamesh into his arms. “But… I can’t deny that even after all these years, I think of you. At my most important moments, at my darkest moments. Everything you imprinted upon me, everything you gave me. I love you, but you hurt me.”

“And that means…?”

“It means that if I leave Lancelot for you, I’ll be doing the same thing to him that you did to me…” Arthur sighed. “But I think… he’s always known.”

Gilgamesh tried to search for an answer in Arthur’s eyes but got none.

“We were always two halves of one whole, weren’t we?” Arthur laughed, mirthlessly.

“Always.”

“I don’t know what’ll change from here… but… I love you. I can’t lie to myself. Even if part of me hates you, I love you all the same.”

“I’ll make up everything to you,” Gilgamesh said quietly, almost unbefitting his proud nature. “I’ll give you the happiness you deserve in life.”

Arthur looked back at the house, where he knew someone waited inside for him, someone who loved him just as much as Gilgamesh was professing to.”

“You’d better.”

—

Five years later, Gilgamesh would be a changed man. A wiser, kinder man, a ruler of person, even if he technically held no domain over anything. He’d have Arthur’s hand in his, matching wedding rings on each’s hand, along with the promise that they’d never break one another again. Arthur could finally listen to songs that made him think of Gilgamesh, they could play games together that they cherished as kids.

Arthur and Lancelot had stayed good friends, admitting they were close to one another to try and bandage up the past, but some things couldn’t be fixed by forcing two broken pieces together.

Arthur never lost his doubt that Gilgamesh would run off again, and that was the consequence Gil would have to live with for the rest of his life. The doubt, the mistrust, but also the love and the acceptance. Their love was imperfect, especially for someone like Gilgamesh, who prided himself on perfection. Arthur wouldn’t— couldn’t have it any other way though. At the deepest part of his heart, he’d only loved one person throughout it all, even if they’d hurt him. Even if— had Enkidu lived— nothing would’ve ever changed.

But as Gilgamesh pointed out the whales rising up from the sea as they leaned on the fence overlooking the ocean, Arthur realized he’d take the heartbreak and longing over living a fake life. Even if it meant he was broken in some way, even if his trust was completely misplaced, he still loved and loved purely. He wouldn’t change it for anything.

Gilgamesh, trying to live his best life by his best friend’s last words, held onto them and onto Arthur as tightly as he could, knowing that whatever happened, he’d never betray him again.

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S THE 100th FIC OF THE ARTHUR/GIL TAG BABYYYY


End file.
